Missing Dad While He is Still "Here"

Let me start this off by saying I know that I am blessed that I still have my dad in my life. That is not something I take for granted for a second. Over five years ago my dad was diagnosed with FrontoTemporal Dementia (commonly referred to as FTD). To call this disease cruel would be an understatement. And what it does to everyone who loves the person with the illness is torture - and like everything in life, some times are harder than others.

Dad knows he has "this damn dementia", as he commonly refers to it when he loses a word in speaking. He gets frustrated with that, of course, but as for the rest of the effects of FTD he lives in ignorant bliss. And all who love him are thankful for that. He is happy and keeps himself busy on his routine of walks (has to hit 10,000 steps a day still), word games on his phone (my mom plays 50 games a day against him), always a puzzle at the kitchen table and his regimented snacks throughout the day. A couple times a week, if the wind is from a specific direction he asks my mom if they can drive to the lake to look at the waves - he gets joy from this so mom will accommodate as often as possible. Mom even found a choir for people with dementia and joined with him, as Dad has a beautiful voice.

As, part of Dad's brain deteriorates, he does not feel temperature the same way as he used to, or as most people do. On his walks he is often over-dressed. As part of the illness and probably aging in general, his posture is not as good and he drags his feet in shoes that are too old, but too comfortable for him to consider new ones. Dad has never met a stranger, even prior to his illness - he was friendly to everyone and happy to help anyone in need. But now, the illness has caused his social filter to disintegrate and he smiles a huge smile (that some may say looks goofy, but I love how it brightens up his whole face - just like our youngest son's genuine smile always has) and he waves to everyone. In addition to that he will talk to everyone and talk, and talk.....He has always loved jokes and used to be really good at the delivery of them, but now his jokes are often not even really jokes and often times due to the lack of filter may offend someone, but he tells them to try to bring joy to them.

All of these things make him happy and bring him joy and my heart is so happy for that. But this week I will be honest my heart broke as one car approached him. Now, these people did nothing bad to Dad - they stopped and offered him money for lunch. It confused him because he doesn't eat lunch - he just kind of snacks throughout the day and I am sure this couple in the car heard the details of his snack routine. Dad could not understand why they wanted to buy him lunch and as my mom and I both tried to explain it did not help. Instead we decided to be thankful that these people were kind and we are grateful for that. He has had young ladies propose marriage as the drive by - he thinks that they mean it and tells them he is happily married, he stops and tells landscape workers his jokes for long periods of time and then comes home telling of how much everyone loved his "jokes". I am so glad he finds joy in this and so sad and miss Dad.

But yesterday, I had a glimpse of Dad. I had an appointment early in the morning so I had a travel coffee cup with me which is unusual. When I put the cup down, I right away thought - "I am going to forget this cup here". Then I remembered Dad's way to not leave something behind, and I grabbed my car key out of my purse and placed it on top of the cup. As I was leaving the appointment I searched my purse for my key and the light bulb came on, I thought of Dad's wisdom and smiled.

I know the time is coming when Dad will not find joy in the things he finds joy in now. I know the time is coming when he will not know I am his daughter. I know that the road we are on will get harder, not easier. And usually I do focus on the joy he finds in the life he has right now and in the people who love him and care for him so much. I know many others who have lost fathers much earlier than me and I am so, so blessed to have Dad in my life and, again, do not take it for granted for a second. But there is sadness in Dad not being Dad and there is so much to be grateful for in all that he taught me and all that I am because of who he is.