Mom Being Your Child's Safe Place - A Warning

In the last six weeks both of my boys have had birthdays. They are now both in their 20's. For most of their childhoods I was a stay at home mom. Because of this both boys grew up very much "momma's boys". They ran to me for anything and everything, it is what was expected and I loved it. I think for the most part I handled it well, giving them age-appropriate reassurance of the situation, advice and unconditional love.

There were times as the youngest started to have more issues, looking back probably very much related to his body not producing nearly enough of the hormones he needed, that he would have what I would characterize as meltdowns. Let me differentiate first between a tantrum and a meltdown. A tantrum is when a child is upset because they want something that they cannot have, or maybe they cannot communicate what it is they want. Very often the tantrum will end when that issue is resolved. A meltdown often occurs when the environment around the child is not what the child needs - it is either too much or too little. And that is too complex for the child to comprehend, therefore it becomes difficult for parents to put a finger on what is happening until patterns are seen. The meltdown will not stop when the child gets something because they generally just need a "reset" of the environment.

I have often, in helping parents with special needs over the years in support group settings, heard parents say that their children are fine at school, at church, with friends, etc... and then "lose it" at home with them. This is normal for children, we are their safe space where they know we will love them no matter what, right? We want them to feel secure and able to "lose it" with us instead of in front of others, right? Yes, to both of those questions, but -- and this a big BUT because it is a lesson that I feel is important. In letting your child "lose it" in their meltdowns, how are you letting them treat you personally?

If in their meltdown they are are not hurting anyone and are behaving in ways that are appropriate to you, once you have identified it is a meltdown and not a tantrum, that is one thing. But what I found happening in my own life was that my son would talk to me in ways that he would not talk to anyone else, nor would I ever let anyone else talk to me in that way. It was disrespectful and hurtful. Of course, I knew that he did not mean what he was saying and it was out of anger because I was his safe space. I kept letting this behavior continue and saying it was okay, because he knew it was safe and I would always love him and he needed to get it out.

And then someone who cared about me and my son pointed out another truth in that. As I was allowing this behavior to me because I love him unconditionally I was showing him that he could treat those who love him unconditionally however he pleased in certain situations. What was I teaching him about how he could treat a future girlfriend or wife? That, for me, and maybe for you, was a wake up call. I do love him unconditionally and we all say things in anger that we wish we had not said, but to continue to be a safe spot for your child to treat you however they need to during a meltdown, could be a set up for future relationship issues.

I have learned to set boundaries with my son since that time. I am still his safe place, the person he turns to during times of trouble and to confide in often times, but I will not allow him to talk to me differently because of that. He needs to know that he can trust me to love him unconditionally, but that I also love myself enough to not be treated that way and that every person that he develops relationships moving forward deserves that same level of respect.

I hope that this helps someone who is where I was. Showing your child that you love yourself enough to set these boundaries will teach them to love themselves too!!