Sibling Day

One thing that I do get asked quite often when I speak about our son with Addison's is how did I deal with the sibling issue. Now everyone with more than one child has "sibling issues", but with a child with chronic illness, a rare disease and a long complicated diagnostic journey along it complicates every dynamic in the family. I will be the first to say that I am the last person who should answer this question for two reasons. First of all, both my boys have complicated, rare, chronic diagnoses that have at different times taken the majority of our time and attention. Secondly, I have not dealt with this as well as I could have and both boys could probably very well speak to that.

I will say that it is important to remember that who ever you are reading this that you are just one person in that child's life. Remember the saying that it takes a village? It is true and when there are complicated circumstances there is no harm in asking that village to step in - they may be family, friends, neighbors... This is many times when you find out who really are your true village - who cares and it is important not to try to be everything for everyone in the midst of the chaos. For us, when one child was going through a crisis all of our energy was put into that child in that moment we had family, friends, and parents of their friends who would step in for our other child and let him know that he was cared for and loved. Whenever one child was hospitalized, I stayed at the hospital, as I had the better understanding of all things medical, and dad stayed at home every night with the other one so that the one at home always had a parent with them at night when many insecurities and questions could pop up.

Many feel that it is a weakness to accept meals, rides for kids, or other help from ones who care when these situations hit. Let's think about it from the other perspective - when you see a friend spread thinly trying to be in two places at once and you step in to help, do you feel put out or is it a pleasure to assist someone you care about? We are meant to life together in a community, and it is a blessing when we can come to the assistance of someone in need. The same is true when we are in need. And many times it is in caring for siblings that are not in the immediate crisis where we can most use help. Doing this instead of spreading yourself thinly and being on edge can make this child feel cared for and worthy instead of an inconvenience or a distraction when you should be with the other child who needs a parent more at that time.

Of course, when times are going smoothly, which does happen, believe me - even with two with chronic illnesses, spend quality with each kid individually and as a whole family are both important to help build bonds.

In our family, not only are our boys' diagnoses very different, but their personalities and how they have handled their health situations are very different. We all wish that siblings grow up filled with treasured memories, cherished bonding experiences that they build a relationship on. But in the end, you can do it all to the best of your capabilities and your children build relationships with who they choose and it cannot be forced. For our boys with all the trauma they have been through there are so many feelings that right now they are not very close. We hope and pray for this relationship to grow and mature, but in the end what we really pray for more than anything is that each of them is happy and secure in who they are and that they respect each other and build communities that they can count on moving forward.